am i really living?

Quite a bit has changed in the past few years. I start student teaching in a few weeks and my anxiety is in overdrive. My fear of being watched/judged is tormenting my mind. I suppose I'll make it through it though as I do with all things. Extremely annoyed with my existence right now. Everyone keeps going on vacations and purposely excluding me, too the point where I'm wondering whats so wrong with me that no one wants to be around me? This must be how my bro felt before he committed suicide (or atleast a small bit of how he felt) Life is messed up-to say the least. Kinda wish everyone was as miserable as I am, selfish huh?